Hope For Happiness My Love
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: "And don't say it's because of me. No one keeps you alive, but you, no one can do that if you don't want to be. You are strong. Please, please I need you to see." Blaine fights for Kurt to understand that love means hope and that they have plenty of it.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Glee, only the desperation and feelings in here are mine.

**A/N: **Well, I figure it was simply time again, to allow me close to who I really am, to feel, to feeling anything…real.

**WARNING: **Triggers for **Cutting!** Please don't read if you might get triggered.

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><p><strong>Hope For Happiness My Love<strong>

Blaine is here, has found him, is seeing it with his own eyes.

And there lies some relief in all of this for Kurt, relief in finally being able to say what he feels, to be true, and himself, and nothing else.

No pretences anymore. They always break, they never hold.

Lately Kurt has been drowning in them, nothing real, nothing real there anymore about him.

He is holding a kitchen knife as Blaine finds him, muttering to himself, "At least I can feel again. If only I cut right, at least I can feel again. I will, I can…I will get it right, and then…then the…"

Blaine has had suspicions for weeks now, has been fighting, trying to figure out how, what to say, "What? The pain will just disappear to never come back?"

"Yes," Kurt squeals almost in excitement.

And it has Blaine fighting nausea now as much as pain, "No."

"But…," and with that one word Kurt fully grows aware of Blaine's presence.

Blaine cannot take the pain anymore, the destruction in its wake, and the fear taking over, starting it all over, "No. That is not how life is. And gosh, please Kurt tell me, tell me you know that. I know you do. Please. I cannot watch you do that to yourself anymore. I cannot watch you anymore cut away at your skin, cut away more and more of yourself."

And Blaine has never before got a clear look at the cuts, never seen cuts that fresh himself. The sight makes him want to scream.

Kurt is so scarily good at hiding them.

"I don't fit in. I never fit," Kurt screams in pure agony. "I did not there, I do not here. It was all I had, the dream of getting out and to a place I belong, the belief that I can belong, it was all I had left. I don't. Even here. I don't belong. I am as much of a freak as I was back then. To them, everyone else, still I'm nothing, nothing but a freak."

"I know you feel that way. I also know it is true that you don't fit in. It is not just you feeling that way. I wish you could see, could understand that that is a good thing. I wish you could see that it is a good thing to be bigger than everything surrounding you, even to be misunderstood. It can be a good thing, if you allow for it to lift you up. I cannot watch you stop and stare and tear yourself down anymore. I love you, so much, I have spend years waiting wishing you could see. Hoping you would grow to see the strength that I see when I look at you. That I see other people discover in you when you let your guard down."

It is nothing more than a sob, and most people would not understand, Blaine does hear and understand his lover's words, like no one else can, and Blaine wishes Kurt could, could see and hear more than the critique, others', his own, "I feel so weak."

Blaine wishes he knew where to take hold on his boyfriend to get the message through, but finds himself helplessly standing several feet away, "Love, you are so not. I know you are hurting so much. I can see it in your eyes every day. And yet, you are still here. All that pain you feel, and you are still here. No one weak would still be here. There are enough tall buildings in the city, enough pills and razor blades in our bathroom, knives in the kitchen drawer, and yet you are still here. And don't say it's because of me. No one keeps you alive, but you, no one can do that if you don't want to be. You are strong. Please, please I need you to see. I'm so scared of losing you, losing all I am with you, because oh my gosh, Kurt, you are everything to me. You are my strength when I am so far down. Let me be your strength until we can find a way to turn this around. Oh please. Kurt. Please."

"Are you happy Blaine."

"Not always, no, not all the time."

"See, I am no good for you," Kurt is a heap on the floor now, curled up in himself.

"Kurt. I love you. I don't want to be without you. Ever. And as for happiness. You can be happy. Sometimes. No one, not one person on this planet is always happy. You, Kurt Hummel, are my happiness. I could never be happy without you. You are my hope, my hope for happiness, my love. Without you it could never be, I could never be anything close to happy. The day we met, I knew. I knew happiness was not fantasy, but real. "

Kurt's eyes are wide when he asks, like he underatnds for the first time. Like he can see the answer to the question before he finds it confirmed by the voice of another, "You are not always happy?"

"Not always," Blaine wraps the answer in a half-echo.

"And the rest of the time?" Kurt aks, calmer, curious, eyes even wider now.

"And the rest of the time you fight to be happy again," and it is a struggle, and Kurt scoots back once before he launches forward into Blaine's embrace, the boy, the man, who kneelt down beside him. Moved back to eye-level, even though it ment, getting on his knees. "There is no love without you."

It is no whisper, it is a promise to fight, for them, even through the darkness they are in.


End file.
